


Why Garnet is banned from Empire City until the day she shatters and dies

by hydreigon300



Series: crack au [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Gangs, Garnet is THE absolute unit, Satire, amethyst is actually ok, gamer sapphire, hypebeast ruby, pearl gets shit on like A LOT, rose is dumb, sassphire, set before steven, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-05 09:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17916134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydreigon300/pseuds/hydreigon300
Summary: This is why Garnet can’t step foot into Empire City without being shot by every on duty cop. crazy shit happens and it gets lit





	1. Rose’s Lamborghini

**Author's Note:**

> I have the next chapter of this almost ready, will be posted pretty soon, also I apologize again for the formatting I posted from my phone
> 
> am also working on another chapter for my other story about lapis becoming an addict

The ride to Empire City was uneventful because the same old things were happening like usual. Pearl was oogling Rose’s huge diamond gamer penis like a coke fiend from the passenger seat of Rose’s pink Lamborghini. Amethyst was sleeping and Garnet was playing nintendogs on her ds.

Nobody really knew *why* Rose owned a lamborghini but Garnet remembered that Rose had asked her about the best way to wash human bodily fluids out of some kind of material(Rose is quirky like that🤪), and honestly, Garnet didn’t really think much of it at the time. 

Garnet herself had been the cause of multiple deaths but hey, it wasn’t her fault humans were nerfed bitches. The Ruby part of her thought it was fun to beat the shit out of anything, especially amputees. The Sapphire part reminded her that if the police didn’t show up in 15 minutes she was legally allowed to leave. Garnet found a balance in these two ideas and yeeted the life out of anything that breathed, she was a savage like that.

Pearl momentarily looked away from Rose Quartz’s immense gamer girl peepee to look at Garnet,

“How much longer until we arrive, Garnet?”

...

Garnet pretended to be deaf and didn’t respond. In the game her dog took a shit and she needed to clean it up

It was several minutes of extremely awkward silence of Pearl waiting for a response before Garnet finally spoke,

”fuck you pearl”

The whole car was full of tension and Rose, sensing this, heroically stepped in and slammed the breaks so hard everyone flew the fuck out and onto the pavement. Garnet’s ds broke in the fall, and she cried silently to herself she fucking hated Rose.

“Look guys we’re here!!!!!!!” Rose got out of her lambo and closed the door with enough force to shatter a fucking gem that the door got stuck inside the car.

“Whoever the FUCK let Rose drive, you’re a retard”Amethyst grumbled as she collected herself and moved to stand in front of the Empire City Theatre, the reason they went on this stoopid trip.

Pearl peeled her anorexic twig body off the floor like she was a smashed bug.

“Wow Rose, you’re such an amazing driver” Pearl could not be sucking more dick than in that moment. Rose smiled gently at her. Why couldn’t Pearl understand she was clapping Greg’s fat hairy cheeks now?

Every 10 years, the Crystal Gems took an excursion to watch a film or play at a theatre to keep up with the times. They had been doing this since gay human men played all the roles in those Greek plays. It was super homosexual and gay. The leader of the gay gems thought it was important to be able to relate to humans, the dominant species of planet Earth, and arguably the most pathetic things to ever exist. hah gay

Human Culture this decade had taken an urban turn, and the film they were going to watch today reflected that. It was called dun dun dun... “Detroit Life 2: Niggaville” a movie about gangsta life starring some rapper nobody named Skittle. Something very important to note is that this a sequel to “Detroit Life: The Eighth Mile”.

Garnet went in without paying. 

The rest of the Crystal Gems lined up at the ticket booth behind a Mexican lady and her 9 kids. Rose glanced at other movies, Amethyst leaned against the railing, and Pearl pulled exactly $420 out of her gem to pay. She also pulled out a weed plant and gave it to the clerk. Satisfied, they all walked in to waste 2.5 hours of their lives.

________________________________________

“What a lit movie humans are fucking crazy haha”

The gems were out of the theatre now that the movie had ended and were talking outside.

“Yeah, that movie was dope as fuck, nigga,” Amethyst enthusiastically agreed with Rose, but Rose just scowled at her like she was a piece of shit and scum of the earth.

“You can’t say the n-word, Amethyst, that’s rascist”

“What does rascist mean?”

“I don’t know” They went back to what they were doing.

“That movie was atrocious,” Pearl squawked into the fucking abyss, but nobody cared because she’s a pearl.

Meanwhile, Garnet clenched her fists and held herself together in her arms. Intense conflicting thoughts were shaking the foundation of her being.

movie was horseshit

GANG GANG BITCH

Garnet, unable to handle such opposing opinions, gave rise to one final, unyielding, independent thought in the murky static of a fusion coming undone,”ok fuck yall niggas then” 

The absolute unit of a fusion finally exploded apart, flames and chunks of ice flying everywhere like shrapnel from a fucking bomb. 4 people died instantly.

“ruby what the fu-

“THIS IS THE REAL ME, SAPPHIRE,”Ruby quickly replaced her head band with a doo rag. 

“WHY CANT YOU JUST UNDERSTAND THAT I ALWAYS WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE, A MOTHAFUCKIN GANGSTA” 

Sapphire didn’t say anything because calling your girlfriend delusional and retarded was not a good idea from past experiences, and instead prayed to buddha or whatever for this shit to be over.

Ruby was extremely insulted by the silence and just screamed.she was shaking and crying how could sapphire do this to her

“goodbye sapphire” ruby said sadly as she stole some kid’s skateboard and did an ollie. she went into a dark alleyway

The other crystal gems were not really surprised cause something like this happened every time they watched a damn movie. 

Amethyst looked around at who she was with. Rose and her slave were currently attempting to comfort Sapphire, who sat in the same place she landed when she unfused from Garnet. Amethyst didn’t want to be stuck around Rose and Pearl. They’re gross and kind of fucking weird. Instead she decided to politely excuse herself.

“Um fuck yall I’m out of this bitch” Amethyst dabbed then went into the dark alley.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Pearl help Sapphire find the catalyst she needs to get Ruby out of the streets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay I wrote more of this crap and yes it was posted from my phone I have no WiFi to use my laptop 😔

After Amethyst had left, Pearl looked nervously at Sapphire. She wasn’t doing anything, she was just sitting there. Considering what just happened it was fucking weird. 

It was white diamond piss and feet kink weird.

Scrambling to find a solution for this, Bird Nose Whore noticed a gourmet restaurant across the street. She pointed it out to Rose, who picked up Sapphire , then the three gems made their way there. 

“What can I get for you miss?”the greasy, pimple faced, teenage parent, cashier asked

“I’ll have two number 9s, 7 Big Macs, 50 McNuggets, large fries and a Diet Coke,” 

Rose looked down at Sapphire questioningly, who she set down when they arrived at McDonald’s. ”What do you want, Sapphire?”

“kids meal with fortnite toy” 

The cashier nodded and rang up the total, which was 1000 vbucks. Rose put monopoly money on the counter. She had 10 hotels on the cheapest streets, she was a rich bitch

Rose T-posed and ascended to the table Pearl had saved for them. Sapphire levitated to the table but held her hands together in front of her because she had to do it to em. 

Everyone sat down to eat their boujee meal.

A child slave worker brought them their tray of food while crawling on all fours because they were too weak to stand. They looked like those kids from the starving children in Africa commercials. Except the gems didn’t own a TV, and they no way in hell payed enough attention to humans to know what an extremely malnourished one looked like.

“Wow,” Rose gasped in awe, “I didn’t know they had entertainment in this establishment” 

The child tried to dance but then dropped to the floor and didn’t get up. Pearl looked very disappointed but Sapphire just frowned. Really? Right in front of her salad?  
_______________________________________ 

“So, what happened back there? That movie was stupid, why unfuse over it? ” Pearl brought them back to the situation at hand. Rose was eating a Big Mac, which reminded her of how Greg smelled

Sapphire let out a long tired sigh.  
”Because, niggas”

Pearl gave her a look,”Sapphire you can’t just blame your problems on black people”

“Shut up whore” Sapphire played with her fortnite toy “And I wasn’t done talking, stupid fucking cunt, you fought in the rebellion but your still your Diamond’s bitch, had no character development for over 5000 years until a little boy showed up, and yo coochie feel like dry sand,” 

“oh and uhhhh ruby joined a gang probably idk to be honest”

“how the hell u even know what my coochie feel like bitch!”

“garnet been in that-”

“WELL at least it’s not as bad as when Ruby got involved in the Watergate scandal” Rose aggressively cut Sapphire off,”That gave us a shitload of problems”

“I don’t see what you mean, Ruby was only trying to help them” Sapphire played dumb 

“Sapphire, she literally helped infiltrate-

“shut the fuck up rose, all you do is talk shit”

“WE HAD TO BREAK HER OUT OF A BRAZILIAN PRISON BECAUSE SHE DIDNT HAVE ANY PAPERS!! THE FBI IS STILL INVESTIGATING US!!!!”

“3 years from now you will have sex with a homeless man, get pregnant with his child, then die. Your gonna be the most dead gem in existence. It will be so sad that it’s fucking funny, keep talking shit bitch”

“...” 

Rose decided it was best to drop the subject, even though there is FBI proof that Ruby and Sapphire had tampered with multiple governments and may have been the cause of several scandals and terrorist attacks. .

“Rose,”Sapphire brushed her bangs away and looked at her friend with a tired eye,”let’s just forget about what happened and focus on what’s happening now” She finished saying that with a kind smile, and put the fortnite toy away for its later use,

”NO FUCKIN SHIT RUBY WAS IN WATERGATE, I CONVINCED HER TO DO IT, EVEN A RETARD COULD FIGURE THAT OUT, YOU FAT FUCKING DUMBASS, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP EATING PEARL’S FOOD I CAN SEE HER FUCKING BONES,” Sapphire shrieked at Rose. Whatever calm that that almost seemed to take over- Actually it was never calm, shit was always intense with these hoes

Pearl hugged herself in shame, she looked like one of the wendigos from Until Dawn.

Rose shot up from her seat and slammed her palms on the table.

“I FUCKING KNEW IT!”

____________________________________ 

 

Things began to simmer down when the gems remembered they were still at McDonalds.

The heavenly place where there were unborn babies being fished out of their mother’s coochie by a clothing hanger then dropped into a toilet and flushed every second.

“So Sapphire, let’s talk like the high ranking gem sugar daddies we are, what do you think we should do?” Rose took a swig of warm flat beer(she fucking gagged dear god that’s disgusting)then vomited everything she ate onto the table because she didn’t want to shit it out later and raised an eyebrow at Sapphire, who was making a mess with ketchup. The entire McDonald’s was dirtied with ketchup. Sapphire stole all of the napkins so they couldn’t clean it. Sapphire also clumped wet toilet paper together and threw it at the ceiling so they would stick then froze them to form icicles so they’d pierce through somebody when they fall. It was a trick she learned from middle school. 

Pearl had become their entertainment. She enthusiastically shook her concave bony ass all over the table like she was having a seizure. 

“I was going to wait this out but...” Pearl squatted extra low and Sapphire could see the bones sticking out and oh my god would somebody please give her a burger, ”it would really suck if she died in the streets”

“Don’t worry, I have something in mind”

___________________________________

The gems left McDonald’s and were now at GameStop, pink lambo parked outside. 

Rose and Sapphire walked in and saw walls lined with games,T-Shirts, and collectors items that were really just toys. 

Pearl stayed outside because Rose jammed the key to the lambo inside the ignition, and it might get stolen if they all left, and yes people were that ghetto and desperate.

“So this was your plan?” Sapphire asked somewhat amusedly, of course Rose never had any good ideas they were all bullshit and lead to bullshit, but for once her retard friend might be on to something...

“YES! Can you not see how fitting this is for you? And I’m almost positive this will impress Ruby and be what you need to pull her out of the streets” Rose confirmed with enthusiasm 

“Nobody can resist a gamer girlfriend”

————————————————-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> coochie obtained pretty much


	3. the hypebeast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst finds Ruby and they get into some trouble like you would expect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I liked writing this hahaha eggs🥚

Amethyst ran down the alley to catch up with Ruby. She knew she could just leave but she was kinda curious to see what bullshit Ruby would get herself into and said fuck it 

Ruby had just been educated on the ways of the street. She is not some dumb ruby anymore she’s now an extremely volatile gangsta

Amethyst saw Ruby at the end just standing there and called out in friendly tone

“ HEY ! RUBY! RUBY!what fuckshit are you doing”

The red dude didn’t respond and Amethyst noticed she was actually talking to some people, but turned to look at her

“Sup amethyst, these are my new homies,” Ruby gestured to the two people in front of her, “this is Goku and that is Drake” 

Goku hovered and floated up, “it is nice to meet you guys but I gotta go, I’m a deadbeat dad and I need to fight someone who doesn’t matter” he said then left

Drake gave a smile “Yall niggas better watch out there’s a creep who pissing on little girls out here in the streets, his name is R Kelly, please watch out for him and be safe” he warned them and then left

“...what the hell is even going on”

“I’m trying to join the rap game” Ruby said with a sense of pride but hesitated, “Drake said I need to flex and get face tattoos to even stand a chance though, that way my chakra and power level can get stronger”

“the fuck any of that shit has to do with rapping?”

“Everything, Amethyst.The strongest people in the world are rappers, hypebeast, and gamers. They stop major societal disasters from happening and provide aid when hope is lost. We, as a society, would be nothing if they all vanished”

“haha u gay”

“ok so basically the more you flex the stronger you get...” Amethyst sort of understood

Amethyst phased on a supreme hoodie and Gucci pants finished with yeezys. Ruby cringed and waved her hands around in anger

“EW NO YOU CANT JUST PHASE THEM ON THEY HAVE TO BE NAME BRAND, WEARING FAKE SHIT MAKES US LOOK BROKE ”

“ugh ok fine” Amethyst changed back, “so where we gonna get the money to buy the useless shit then?”

“money?”Ruby asked in mock confusion then laughed, “ nigga we ain’t paying for SHIT we ROBBING” Then Ruby pulled out a glock and phased a ski mask ,”you got a piece? I can go steal one for you too”

“sheiiiit dawg” Amethyst pulled out an uzi,” I thought I’d NEVER get to use this bitch, LEGGO”

They made their way to the nearest thriftstore. Neither of them noticed someone in the shadows had been watching them

“mmmmmmMmMmMmM PANcakEs” it said

—————————————————————————

“Ayyyyyy” 

“YUH”

They both looked fresh now that they had stolen everything and copped new outfits. only two old ladies died which was not very epic since they weren’t even headshots. They were celebrating and dancing in the parking lot, dragging unwanted attention 

“YOU TWO, LITTLE PURPLE AND RED PEOPLE, HOW DARE YOUR ROB A THRIFTSTORE” a skinny dude which messy grilly brown hair said. 

“Shut up or we’ll shoot yo ass”

“MY NAME IS AKECHI GORO AND YOU ARE UNDER ARREST-”

“SHUT UP NOBODY CARES BITCH GANG GANG” Ruby shot him repeatedly with her glock and Amethyst followed with her uzi. Even when he was dead they still shot into him swinging insults at his dead body and dancing around it

“So you are the ones causing trouble in MY hood” a new voice said. Ruby felt a foul negative energy and instantly knew who it was.

“ R. Kelly” She said his name with hate and gritted teeth

He just laughed cryptically. More gang members showed up wearing Akatsuki ninja robes and surrounded Ruby and Amethyst. A familiar face stood by R. Kelly. It was Drake.

“Drake?! you’ve been on the other side the whole time!?!”

“Yes, we baited you because you like little girls. well your friend does you look like a boy” he said. 

Amethyst made grossed out noise before shapeshifting to look like Greg. Everyone looked at her in disgust but it had worked 

Ruby was angry and felt betrayed, but was curious to know if her other new friend was a traitor

“Where is Goku?”

Drake stepped aside to reveal Goku on the floor, beat up to a bloody pulp and dead.

“NOOOOOOOOOO”

“He tried to stop me from seeing Millie Bobbie Brown. This is what he gets.”

The ninjas surround Amethyst and did that weird hand ninjutsu thing. she died and they took her gem, basically abducting her

“NOOOOOOOOO Ruby shouted again in grief. She dropped to her knees. The hypebeast outfit she copped, while she felt insanely stronger by it, was not enough. Against R. Kelly, Drake, and the shinobi she was a fucking goner

“This is my hood and soon, the whole world will be my hood, and I’ll be peeing on every little girl in it” R Kelly sneered 

“YOU CANT DEFEAT US RUBY!” Drake cackled

Then R. Kelly picked her up and drop kicked her, she was sent flying across Empire City

——————————————————————————

Ruby woke up in a peaceful clearing. She was in the wood outskirts of Empire City. However whatever peace she had upon waking didn’t last too long. She had a jarring realization of how hopeless things were. R. Kelly and Drake were going to take over and manipulate the world, Goku was dead, and her trusty friend Amethyst was killed and abducted. She didn’t know where Rose or Pearl or Sapphire were, but if they were here could they even stand a chance? Could she and Sapphire stand a chance? Ruby did not know

Just as she was going to break down and cry Ruby felt an energy around her

Looking up, Ruby saw the powerful spirit of XXXTentacion, but real fans call him Jahseh. Ruby was the truest fan

“Jahseh is it really you?”

“ spotlight uh moonlight uh”

holy shit it was really him

“Jahseh... what do I do? Everything is so hopeless...” 

Jahseh looked at Ruby, then slowly turned to point at something further away

She looked at Jahseh in disbelief and shock.

“Don’t give up”

A single tear fell down Ruby’s face which she quickly wiped to not look weak and nodded firmly. She had to defeat R. Kelly or he would pee on more little girls! She couldn’t give up, not when everything was on the line and XXXTentacion believed in her

With a final look, Ruby walked away from Jahseh, not noticing the spirits of Harambe, Lil Peep, and Goku looking at her with hope

Ruby walked toward the direction X pointed to. It was several hours of trudging along, climbing mountains, and wrestling a bear. Finally, she saw it

In the middle of a calm lake, a man sat on a small island in the middle. Ruby had never felt such a strong energy from someone who was not a spirit

The man had a patchy beard and braided hair, and cool face tats. Most noticeably he was dressed fresh as hell, every hypebeast Ruby had ever seen looked broke as shit compared to him. Minutes of silence, maybe hours, maybe even days passed by, until something happened

“My name is Post Malone” he broke the silence, “ But you may call me Sensei”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for sticking around till the end.  
> all comments appreciated


End file.
